de-tachment, a buddhist philosophy

You must love in such a way that the other person feels free.” Thich Nhat Hanh

as i mentioned in my previous post, i most closely relate to Buddhism when it comes to religious belief systems. in my opinion, it is the most open minded. there is almost a lack of rules in how to 'appropriately' practice - in buddhist belief system each person should live their life to it's fullest potential starting with their own happiness and then spreading that like wildfire to those around you.

attachment to other people

relationships

let's say you are in a relationship with another person, and you love them. love is about freedom, not attachment.

would you be hurt if something happened to this person? absolutely and you should feel emotion.

emotions - fulfilled, hurt, sadness, happiness all spur from detachment. let me explain.. 

as i said in my last post, when you see a gorgeous flower what do you do? do you pick it for your own personal desires or do you appreciate it and allow it to grow among the others with natural sunlight and rainy days? de-tachment is leaving the flower and feeling happy that it will be there for others to walk by and appreciate its beauty too. de-tachment is understanding that it will grow and prosper much longer where it is than if you were to pick it and put it in a vase. 

freedom 

you must let the other person live their life. you are their bonus, their extra, and they are yours.

you are whole, happy, fulfilled, living your truth, and being the best version of yourself on your own. this person in your life should add to your happiness, love, etc. but the absence of this person will not take away any of these qualities. as i said it is not a lack of emotion, it is about freedom. so yes when there is a breakup, there will be sadness, depression maybe, an overthinking of the situations that have occurred. however you are still you. this person should be allowing you to live your life and you should be allowing your significant other to live theirs. there is no 'tit for tat' as my mother likes to say. every action, word, is genuine to that person. they have acted, said, responded, done things because they wanted to. it is their organic way of thinking and living. and it either works with yours or it doesn't; and we learn this as we learn about the other person. 

allowing another to be genuine, to have his or her own thoughts, friends, feelings; that is detachment. each person is individual, in their looks, thoughts, actions, in the way they are shaped as a human being. there are environments and people that we encounter that affect us but we make the decision, whether consciously or subconsciously, on how to respond in a specific manner. 

attachment to goals | milestones 

de-tachment does not mean you are not passionate about the things you aspire to be or obtain. it doesn't mean you shouldn't care about anything... like i said emotion and de-tachment are separate phenomenons. non-attachment isn't about physical items, locations, and such, it's about the ideas we occupy our minds with. it is when we choose to let these goals / aspirations own us that the relationship with ourselves becomes unhealthy. this is about healing from the inside out. goals are tools.. stepping stones if you will. there is no anchor, no end point. if you accomplish what you set out to, then there is a new dream . if you do not accomplish your goal, you adapt and change it. this is where that relationship with yourself comes into play; when the outcome is not as we wished, despite how hard we worked or what we sacrificed. often times we let that poison our minds. we let that fester, we overthink and contemplate the 'what ifs', allow that to become a road block, instead of accepting and moving forward. that doesn't mean you 'give up' on your dream - like i said you ADAPT. maybe you missed steps along the way, re-asses and continue to move forward in your life & in your thoughts. 

i have a friend who wanted to become a pilates instructor for a very specific company. she auditioned once and did not make it. she re-auditioned the following season, again she didn't make it. but throughout this time she continued to take class, she spoke with the instructors she had relationships with. they gave her advice, worked with her, and the third time she auditioned she made it into training and is now an instructor. does it stop there? no. now there are ways to continually grow, new challenges, new goals, new milestones to reach. let's say however she had not passed and had not become an instructor; the take-away would've been that this was not the right fit for her now. from there she would move forward with something else, maybe work for the company as something other than an instructor, take courses in fitness or pursue another path. there are no dead ends; as Buddha says ' all meeting ends in parting.'

measuring everything

adding to this is the idea that we do nothing unless we will get something out of it - generally positive or beneficial to yourself. we have this tendency to look at the end and say ok 'thats the end.' in buddhism, in life... there is no end. there are steps, and more steps and you just keep going. and sometimes we need to do things simply because it is the next step. it will lead you to where you need to be, it will help you fulfill whatever purpose you have on this Earth. not everything needs an answer like if i do this, then this will happen. do not become complacent or stagnant because you didn't jump from A to Z. keep going even if you aren't sure why, or what the outcome will be. 

attachment to pain

emotional pain

this may seem strange, why would anyone be attached to pain? let's go back to the relationship aspect...

whether the relationship is romantic, family, friend, a pet... lets say it ends. now this may sound complicated because i said nothing ends right? but everything ends too. nothing is permanent. everything in life is impermanent. life is not stagnant. 

now this is where we tie in this idea of just moving forward, even if you don't know why. it is easy to become complacent when we are in emotional or physical pain. to get up each morning, you may not know why you are doing so.. especially if your pain is emotional. but you take the next step, it could be as small as getting out of bed, or going to a workout, meeting a friend. i tend to throw myself full force into a project when im emotionally distraught. i like to focus on something new, something i can use my energy on. eventually the emotional pain passes, and that time becomes a memory. but in the meantime, i've continued to live, to work towards something even if i didn't have a specific outcome in mind. 

physical pain

is exactly as it sounds - maybe being sore from a workout, maybe surgery..  whatever it is. it's not permanent, it will pass. do not let the idea of this pain interrupt your thoughts, it does not own you. 

attachment to things

this may surprise you but this has little to do with the ideology of detachment in Buddhism. attachment is what owns you. those are the 'things' you are attached to. 

this can get confusing, and very complicated. i contemplate this often... do i work because i have to pay rent? am i attached to my home or money? well if i were to answer myself - yes i am. but i also work because i want to help others and i genuinely love what i do. if i didn't make enough to pay my rent.. i'd change my lifestyle, either my job or where I lived. I view this aspect of de-tachment more about how easily I can adjust to a situation. these are the conversations that can spiral and spiral with no overarching agreement or understanding in sight. 

detachment is usually misunderstood as a lack of caring...when in fact detachment is how you care. it is appreciating and loving and experiencing without expecting anything in return.

it is being open to having all different experiences, emotions, outcomes.

think about what owns you? why? and how can you let go? 

start small. when you realize the huge weight you didn't have to carry is lifted, you will begin to let this new way of living spread like wildfire to other areas of your life.

disclaimer: please understand that life is not black and white. i believe in questioning things. i believe that no matter how hard i try to not let things own me, that there will be instances where i do just let something fester, i let it sit and i have to wait until I am ready to let it go. this is likely the same for you as well.  de-tachment is a buddhist idea that has helped me with other areas of my life: specifically in relationships and my career. nothing you ever read here, or anywhere should be taken at face value. its something to think about. not everything has to fit in teeny tiny categories, not everything has to make sense; try to just be open to this idea that some things don't have to be understood entirely. some things just are and try to accept that (and them).